I Would Go Out Tonight, but the Stitch I was to Wear Has Been Worn by a 16 Year Old

[here's number two in my series of rants, as if I ever wrote anything but rants]

Like Aaliyah said (with the push of R. "I Like 'Em Young" Kelly), "Age ain't nothing but a number." True, but, in the most un-punk thing I could say, age requirements are there for a reason. When you're young, you're a fucking idiot. There's no way around it. You do stupid things like punch your father in the face, shoplift a copy of Gangstarr's "Hard to Earn" from the Wherehouse, or (my personal favorite) smear dog crap all over your ex-girlfriend's boyfriends new Mazda MX-6 (thanks Brandon!). So that being said, what the crap is up with all these kids who were born in 1986 and after being all about the goddamn '80s?

I mean fashion-wise, the 80s were horrendous. I should know. I was there -- wearing awful bright green Genera shirts (word up Seattle!) and T&C Surf Design crap (some things never go out of style, ya heard?). Those are images that I'd like to erase from the organic harddrive that is my brain.

But like how the '50s made a comeback in the '70s and the '90s saw a brief and regretful rehash of the '60s (thanks alot Blind Melon and PM Dawn), the '00s are seeing a resurgence of the 1980s. Years smashed with awesome bands like The Smiths, The Cure, and the Go-Go's; awesome flicks like "Big Trouble in Little China" and "Rocky IV," and massive world events like the destruction of the Berlin Wall and the release of "Return of the Jedi."

This '80s resurgence is partly due to the TV show that was "I Love the Eighties," a VH1 mini-series that had hour-long episodes that chronicled each year. Within the show, several c-list celebritites such as Michael Ian Black (The State/Viva Variety forever, motherfucker) and the not Jon Stewart from the Daily Show (Mo Rocca, represent) would roast the wonderful decade. "I Love" was so popular, in fact, that it boasted several spin-offs: "I Love the Seventies," "I Love the Nineties," and "I Love the Eighties: Strike Back."

What sucks about the youth of America's new obsession with the decade de ocho is that they're not really thinking about why the (later half of the) '90s were much better. No one ever wants to talk about how Reganomics ruined middle and Black America. No one wants to talk about how even after Affirmative Action, there were still minority voices that were left unheard in mainstream media, save Oprah (though this is more of a fall out of the sixties). No one wants to talk about how the American government were training people overseas to kill us nearly twenty years later.

Instead people are filtering out that shit and, interestingly enough, living obsessively with the American Psycho diet: coke, sex, coke, murder. Wait, scratch that last one. But mos def with the coke, sex, coke. It's fucking insane. And now all these dumbass 15 year old kids are waxing intellectual about the '80s like it was they were the Greatest Generation talking about America during "The War." Well fuck that. As a product of the early '80s, I've seen music programs in my schools shut down, several family members -- parents included -- laid off due to a lacking economy; I could go on forever, but I'd rather not.

The only fond memory I have of those years are the cartoons and isn't that just fucking sad? So dear American teenager, before you pump more hairspray on top of your noggin, think about how your folks may have struggled to get through those years so your lame ass could be born. Or do more coke, I don't give a shit anymore.