review time with chasing coolness funtime theatre

[i lifted this idea from "toyfare magazine." that's what we call attribution.]

Aiden
"Nightmare Anatomy"
(Victory)

Aiden: Hi! We're Aiden! We just made an album called "Nightmare Anatomy." It's full of ghoulish images like vampires, killing, drinking blood and doing the robot, because those things shock the system and that's what hardcore and punk rawk are all about! We also wear make up and wear lots of black because nobody has ever done those things before and kids are not sick of boys who wear something that is normally reserved for girls.

Victory: Hi, I'm Victory Records! I released the Aiden album because these days I'm all about making some of that cash money scrilla $$$$ ching ching, youknowhatimsayin? Ten years ago, I would release albums that carried messages and meant something to the hardcore community at large, but then I realized that I could cash in on the current screamo/pop-punk phenomena and buy a ridiculously large townhouse in Chicago. I can do this because almost all the bands on my label have their publishing rights assigned to me, so the only way they make money is to tour. And if they don't like it, I will make their lives hell, just ask Thursday, Hatebreed, or Taking Back Sunday. Even though I barely give the good bands on my current roster (Spitalfield, Bayside, Darkest Hour) any support, I will continue to shove cookie-cutter mediocre rock music like Aiden (or June and Hawthorne Heights) down your throats with painfully large and annoying stickers. If you love My Chemical Romance, Hawthorne Heights, Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson, Aiden is your new FAVORITE BAND!

Aiden: That's right, Victory, we're your new favorite band. Despite the fact that Victory gave us a budget we could work with, allowed us to record at good studios in Seattle and with one of the best producers in the northwest, we still managed to make 11 songs into one giant clusterfuck of an album. All of the drums in the songs sound the same and the off-time drum part in "Goodbye We're Falling Fast" sounds sloppy, as if Animal from the Muppets was behind the kit. Some of the guitar parts are cool, but then we went ahead and made most of the songs unbareable with WiL's [sic] painfully awful lyrics and lack of vocal range. But whatever, we still made the kind of album that we wanted, but more importantly, YOU will buy.

Aiden Fan 1 (Purple Hair): OMG! I loooooove Aiden! They are rebels without a pause! They are sooo rawk.

Aiden Fan 3 (Non-Purple Hair Girl): Yeah, I love them. They sing songs about killing people, but it's, like, a metaphor. They are killing the good in relationships because there are no good things about romance. So, like, just fucking kill it.

Aiden Fan 1: I used to listen to NFG and the Starting Line because I totally understood what they were going through. I mean, I know I graduated from high school four years ago, I still get the message. But then I heard Finch and it was, like, game over. I loooove Aiden cuz they know how to express themselves. They're just so different.

Aiden Fan 2 (Creepy Dude): They're not as gay as AFI, and they don't make me feel guilty because I also like the goth chicks who go to their shows. I guess I only like Aiden cuz my girlfriend does.

My Chemical Romance: Hi, we're My Chemical Romance and if you've never heard of us, then you suck. Aiden is obviously ripping us off. At least we had the decency to wait a few years until after Ink & Dagger was no more and 20 years after The Misfits' heyday with Glenn Danzig to bite their brand of undead punk rawk. Just because we play arenas and most of our fans now are 16 year old girls in the cheerleading squad and dude-bro jock guys doesn't give Aiden the right to steal our black-clad vampire-obsessed style. It's just not proper form. Fuck Aiden.

The Misfits (Circa 1980): Hey, we're The Misfits. We're so sick of all these dumb little bands ripping off our style from 20 million years ago and sullying our name by citing us as influences. I mean, AFI was pretty good and My Chemical Romance captured the brilliance of our pop side, but Aiden? Jesus, this makes Glenn want to go and get knocked out by one of the members of Northside Kings!

Schoolyard Heroes: We're Schoolyard Heroes and we have two albums where we talk about vampires and killing people, too. Unlike Aiden, however, our records are way better. The musicianship compliments the vocal prowess of our singer. When we write off-time parts, we can actually perform them. Anway, pick up either "The Funeral Sciences" or "Fantastic Wounds" or both. They're out now on The Control Group.