An Etiquette Guide for Club Goers and Bar Patrons

Despite what most people assume, DJs only have one job: to make you shake your ass so you can buy more drinks. This last weekend I DJ'd a bar where some frat kids kept shouting: "Play Meat Loaf! Meat Looooaaaffff!" I responded by playing Malcolm McClaren. Now getting requests to hear stuff is nothing new, it's just damn annoying. If these people were so hard up on hearing "I Would Do Anything For Love," then they should've left, went home, and downloaded it from iTunes for $.99! It would've saved me the trouble of hearing them bitch. These are the moments where I pine for the days when I used to be elevated from the crowd. Still, I thought it through and decided to write down my opinions on how to treat your local DJ:

1. Do not make requests:
I, personally, will only honor requests from the bar staff and it's because they're paying me. I do not want your silly ass coming up to me asking to hear some Journey. If you don't like what I'm playing, go somewhere else. Or get an iPod and become a wack ass DJ yourself.

2. Don't dance too close and bump my table:
Over the last year, I've been doing house parties and people never seem to understand the phrase: "Get the fuck away from my table, you're making my needles skip!" But seriously, if you're going to be the person who screws up the vibe, then prepared to get destroyed by at least a hundred drunk people who just want to dance.

3. Don't bring drinks to the table:
In addition to sober people making requests, we have drunk people who make requests. They visibly have had too much to drink and they spill their shit all over my records. Bollocks, I says.

4. Let the DJ know that they're doing a good job:
Everybody -- be it president, landlord, whore -- likes to hear compliments. If the DJ has successfully put the groove to your rear, then let them know, otherwise, they'll feel even more underappreciated. It's kind of like tipping your bartender.

5. Get your wack ass CD/record away from me:
Don't slink up to the DJ booth when a demo in your hand expecting them to play it at that exact moment. We'll play what we please. This ain't the MC Hammer story. If someone hands me something, I'll take it home and listen to it there and decide whether it'll make my set the following week. If it doesn't make the cut, then I'll have a new drink coaster.