The Real World Sucks, That's Why I Watch The Real World

(yo, i added some links, including one for a badass site i almost forgot about called angry asian man. peep it)

In all honesty, I haven't seriously watched (as if there was a "serious" way to watch) "The Real World" since their Las Vegas season. That season was so craptastic, I decided it was best to treat the show like a cheap tramp and stay the hell away. For people who aren't up on television, "The Real World" is a show that MTV traded music videos for in 1991 and has since taken the credit for spawning the ongoing reality show craze (which I swore would die, like, two years ago). Now MTV has a whole stable of shitty shows like "Road Rules," "Date My Mom," "Some Crappy Sweet 16 Show," and "Laguna Beach," amongst others.

I was talking to my girlfriend about a plan that my cousin and I had if we were to ever be on "The Real World" and that would be to break a table upon meeting the other roommates to instantly start some shit. Of course if anybody does that from here on out, I'm suing you because you stole our idea. Anyway, that conversation made me remember how fun "The Real World" used to be; when you could plan drinking games around an episode, or how you could easily lampoon the stupidity of the people from your cold, sad one bedroom apartment in Ballard.

So here's a recap of the only seasons of "The Real World," I will recognize:

Season 1: New York
Ryan Sez: Boring. The only cool parts were Heather B. rhyming and Heather B. getting arrested for having to throw down the mighty Boogie Down fist. Kevin was cool as well.

Season 2: Los Angeles
Ryan Sez: A whole bunch of yelling and David getting kicked out were the highlights. Dominic was the person that I would become by the time I was 21 (minus the smoking), and Jon ruled because he sported a Hulk Hogan t-shirt years before Andy from Kane Hodder was rocking his signature Macho Man shirt.

Season 3: San Francisco
Ryan Sez: There's this interesting chapter in Chuck Klosterman's book, Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs, where he mentions that Puck and Pedro break the fourth wall in this season, inviting viewers to participate, be it from the confines of their televisions. He's right on the money on that, as well as the fact that it became the Puck/Pedro show. I personally related to Judd.

Season 4: London
Ryan Sez: Like New York I, it was duller than a pencil after the SATs. Highlights: Neil getting his tongue bitten off, receiving a pig's heart for Valentine's Day and Lars.

Season 5: Miami
Ryan Sez: It was the first of many "sexy" seasons with unsexy people. There was something relatively gratifying about watching their business fail, though. And that Sarah chick seemed pretty cool.

Season 6: Boston
Ryan Sez: Man, this season was the most entertaining of all of them. All stereotyped Real World cast members and village dolts were in place. It's easily in the top three as far as best seasons go. It boils down to two episodes: 1) Kameelah explains to Sean that the reason he may have had food poisioning was due to someone ejaculating into his food and 2) Montana getting fired for giving kids (literally, children) alcohol. Yes! Uberdrama! If I had to recut the season, however, I would create a two hour special with just the Elka storylines, because she's a fox.

Season 7: Seattle
Ryan Sez: This one should be momentus since it was filmed in my borrough, but it was pretty dumb. They worked for The End...big fucking deal. They should have done something cool like worked at Easy Street or something. Still, if I have to give props to someone in this season, it would have to be David because he was a man's man.

Season 8: Hawaii
Ryan Sez: Hella nekkid people. There was an alcoholic and a slut (separate cast members, mind you). Slim Kid Tre from The Pharcyde made a psudeo-celebrity guest appearance as a possible love interest of cast member Kala and ended up looking like a sucker on some "Looks Like a Job For" Big Daddy Kane shit. I think this is the season where I actually started to feel myself getting dumber as I watched.

Season 9: New Orleans
Ryan Sez: I don't like to use the term "clusterfuck" very often, but I'll use it to describe this season. New Orleans = clusterfuck.

Season 10: New York II
Ryan Sez: They should've subtitled this one: "New York II: There Are No Regular Looking People Now." This is probably where the show took a pretty huge dive in terms of connecting with a mass audience. The same problems are still there: racial/ethnic stereotypes, love triangles, class, job problems, blah, blah, and it's just as interesting as past seasons, but you realize that EVERY SINGLE cast member is photogenic. This is another one that I'd put in my top three best seasons, though, probably just for the episode that had those jackasses from Midtown (the band, not the section of Manhattan).

Season 11: Chicago
Ryan Sez: I don't really remember much about this one except for the fact that Anessa walked around naked and Cara was hot. They should've casted a rapper on this season.

Season 12: Las Vegas
Ryan Sez: This is the reason I stopped watching the show. It turned into a hedonistic, vile piece of trash, no better than Ricki Lake or Jerry Springer. Pregnancies, sex, and alcohol was thrown about like a hoochie showin' off the goods. I suppose that it was "appropriate" that for the show to go this far, it take place in Vegas, but Lord Almighty! It was like STDs suddenly appeared on my television screen. I think I had to take Haz-Mat showers every time I watched the show.

...That's it. No more good seasons. I've watched a bit of the San Diego season a few years ago while I was doing laundry and it didn't do much for me. So, stop watching TV, otherwise, you'll find yourself writing meaningless commentary about an equally meaningless television show.