Monday, February 13, 2006

Exploit your kids and Make $$$$!

People, did we learn nothing from the heart-breaking, true-life tragedies of The Jackson Five and Jon Benet Ramsey?

This is Girl Authority, a nine member girl group who has 15 cover songs ranging from Gwen Stefani to Joan Jett to Kelly Clarkson. Somebody at some managment firm or some label thought it would be a good idea to seek out the Lou Pearlman dream of creating the ultimate girl group, each with different personas that so many girls can relate to. The problem here is that most people, let alone pre-teen girls, don't figure out what kind of people they are until they are well into their twenties, or at least in college. Girl Authority's members are anywhere between 8 and 13 years old.

Another problem with this group is that it seems to encourage pedophilia is a roundabout way. Some how, I get the idea that it's not only girls in elementary school who are going to be buying this record and showing up to their mall performances.

But I guess if you've missed out on your opportunity to become a star and pushing your kid and living vicariously through them is the way to deal, then hey it's your life. And the kid's, too. At least you'll get enough money to pay for their therapy and/or court cases.

As mentioned above, each girl in the Authority has an assigned persona and just because their freakishly young doesn't mean that I can't make fun of them:

Name: Kate
AKA: The Party Girl
Age: 11
Always Says: Snap!
Clothing of Choice: A feather boa.
Reality: If this chickenhead is getting her party on early in life, she'll probably the kind of victim you end up seeing on "Law & Order: SVU." 'Nuff said.

Name: Jacqueline
AKA: All-Star Girl
Age: 13
Always Says: Guess What?
Clothing of Choice: A track suit.
Reality: Guess what? You like girls!

Name: Gina
AKA: Urban Girl
Age: 12
Always Says: Whatever...
Clothing of Choice: Baby Phat
Reality: As the lone ethnic member (her bio says Mexico, but I wouldn't put it past those sneaky Hollywood people that she's really Italian), Gina will probably end up a little plump, with her kids/dead lover's names tattooed on her neck or her chest. She'll be one of those women who religiously wears unflattering tight clothing. Ewww.

Name: Alex
AKA: Fashion Girl
Age: 13
Always Says: Oh Yeah!
Clothing of Choice: Mid-rift shirt and short skirt.
Reality: First of all, I would never let my daughter bare her mid-rift. Enough of these Gotdamn parents who try to be their kids' friends. Reality check, bitches: your kids already have friends, why don't you try to be an adult and a voice of reason! Now...The thing I dislike most about Paris Hilton is that she's inspired a whole generation of girls to be stupid and assume that just because you dress slutty and blow a dude on video means that you'll end up with a billionaire shipping heir for a boyfriend. Better think twice, girls. What will really happen is that you'll get knocked up by some guy who goes by the name B-Rad (Brad, get it?) and who's chosen life occupation is installing stereos at Car Toys.

Name: Tarr
AKA: Rock N Roll Girl
Age: 13
Always Says: Boo!
Clothing of Choice: Hot Topic-purchased band shirt (Blondie in this pic), and devil horn/rock fingers
Reality: If this was 10 years ago, I would say that Tarr would be one down ass girl, but since it's suddenly hip to wear band shirts who's lead singers were coked out in their prime, I would think that she's just another Lemming. Tarr (which could also be the name of a Klingon) will probably end up working at a Claire's Boutique still thinking that Blink 182 was the greatest punk band of all time. Boo!

Name: Crystal
AKA: Country Girl
Age: 11
Always Says: That's so random.
Clothing of choice: What else? A stetson, ugly-ass shirt and boots.
Reality: I'm going to take the high road and abandon all jokes about having an inbred child and focus on what will happen in the next six months: Crystal will realize that being a country girl means that people will think that she's a toothless, uneducated hick and she's going to try to be Vampire Girl.

Name: Carly
AKA: Glamour Girl
Age: 13
Always Says: Ooohh that's soooo nice!
Clothing of Choice: Designer suit and a Prada bag.
Reality: This hosebeast a total sham since she's one of those American girls who spells words like Glamour with a U as if she was ye olde English. That aside, Carly will probably end up going to community college before settling for a business admin degree. From there, she'll go on to manage a cell phone kiosk at the mall during the day and go out to the clubs at night.

Name: Zoe
AKA Preppy Girl
Age: 8
Always Says: Ya!
Clothing of Choice: Denim shirt and the same skirt that Fashion Girl was wearing.
Reality: I'm not above talking shit about 8 year old kids, obviously, but for a preppy girl, Zoe sure looks like she walked off the weekly ad for K-Mart. I know she's young, but she looks like the biggest herb of all.

Name: Jess
AKA: Boho Girl
Age: 12
Always Says: Oh my gosh!
Clothing of Choice: Ridiculously stereotypical hippie garments.
Reality: No one is a hippie until they hit college. Kids typically hate the smell of incents so I can't imagine any girl under 15 that would want to smell like pachouli stink. Boho Girl will just be a phase in poor Jess's life. It will be a series of vegan desserts, henna tattoos, and dreadlocked boyfriends before she realizes how incredibly lame being a boho is and she goes out becomes a capitalist and ends up being a media baron like Oprah.


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