Thursday, April 27, 2006

it's "glitter" bad

Starring: Steven Strait, Pell James, Carrie Fisher, Ashlee Simpson
(Lions Gate)

If there were any film that should stand to be the power of home video it should be "Undiscovered." For a mere $3.49, I got to watch this movie that, for some reason, reminds me of the Blood Brothers' song "Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck." Three bucks and some change is a small sacrifice versus the $20 I would've spent had I saw this flick at the multiplex .

"Undiscovered" tells the story of Luke Falcon (Are screenwriters just running out of names? They should've called him Joe Everyman), a photogenic singer-songwriter who has mastered the art of looking greasy-but-still-having-killer-pecs (see: Scott Stapp). Brier (Pell James), is a model-cum-actress and the two pursue a vapid, thin romance, complete with a South American rival (Shannyn Sossamon), an aging grunge rock star, and Princess Leia (!).

As predicted, lack of chemistry/acting talent and bad dialogue plagues this movie. In a pivotal scene, Luke tells Brier "You didn't hurt me, you KILLED me!"

Sadly, Ashlee Simpson's dim best friend/voice of conscience, Clea, barely appears in the film; while she's far (far, far, far) from the strongest actress, she chews the scenery around the two protagonists. Equally sad is that Papa Joe Simpson and Jordan Schurr (the two masterminds behind Ashlee's music career/trainwreck) are executive producers so you'd think that they'd have more scenes with their little starlet.

In addition to the general suckiness of the script and acting, the movie takes a huge nose-dive since it attempts to look like an "indie" film. The flick is directed by a music video director and much of the movie's transitional cuts are low-lit static shots of L.A., some scenes are grainy, etc. It looks like it's done by a high school AV student.

The movie's supporting cast reads like a guest list of former B-listers: Carrie Fisher, Fisher Stevens (the bad guy from "Hackers"), and Peter Weller (fucking Robocop!) all appear and they still do nothing for the film, short of lending it about 7% credibility as a bankable flick.

If there was a single film besides "Glitter" that would kill your career, it would be "Undiscovered;" yet it will stand the test of time as being the singular reason why home video continues to thrive while theatre audiences thin out year after year: nobody would spend $20 to watch a piece of shit like this. Not even Papa Joe.


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