Review: Kanye West, "808s and Heartbreak"

Taking a page from Roger Troutman (R.I.P.), Teddy Riley and Snoop, Kanye "Ye" West's newest album, "808s and Heartbreak" recalls the pinnacle of 80s and 90s R&B, utilizing the titular 808 drum sounds that was perfected by the likes of Riley, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis and Al B. Sure. That being said, this is probably the worst Kanye West record of all time.

I'm not sure how he went from being an underground sensation, producing for the likes of the Molemen to putting out a shit taco of an album. Now to be fair, the songs aren't terrible, but I think they would be better suited for dudes like Ne-Yo or Chris Brown, you know, guys who can actually sing.

West's voice is masked by autotune and a fucking vocoder so much that he totally sounds like a robot. I asked for an album, not "Wall-E," dude. Given the nature of the album and West's tepid attempt to be a hip-hop/R&B star (like R. Kelly), this album pretty much sucks. I don't give a shit what Pitchfork, EW or Newsweek or whoever says. From a hip-hop fan's perspective, this is on some "Blood Money" level of terrible. A turd with a bow tied around it is still a turd, guys.

make up to break up: the aftermath of 'ye vs. fiddy

It's done, put a fork in the steak because the beef is over. If you haven't heard it anywhere else (which is damn near impossible and also it's sad what passes off for "news" in the U.S.) but Kanye slapped the taste out of 50 Cent's mush mouth, nearing a million units in sales for "Graduation's" debut week. Not to say that "Curtis" didn't fare well, because Chef Boyarfiddy was able to move 700,000 units which is no walk in the park either.

The whole beef/marketing ploy was pretty stupid anyway. I've never supported either one of these dirtbags, but deep inside, I was rooting for Fiddy. Why?

Well here's the thing: while Kanye is good at what he does (being an artsy fartsy rapper, stealing Dilla's production steez, dressing well), he appeals to a pretty safe audience. He makes ears perk by collaborating with artists as diverse as Common, Mos Def, Daft Punk, Peter, Bjorn & John, John Mayer, etc. But at the same time, it also seems like he tries too hard to appeal to everyone. The thing that I liked about his old mixtapes and records (other than raping the fuck out of the Molemen's beatmaking style) was that while they were still considered niche (for backpacking hip-hop fans), they were still gully enough for thugged out dudes, too. These days, it seems as though Kanye is shilling for that Pitchfork money; mostly because people who religiously read Pitchfork will make the effort to go to an actual store and buy a fucking CD.

I've never really cared much for Fiddy but after destroying Cam'ron's career with "Funeral Music," I just really rooted for him to make a diss track of equal caliber for 'Ye. I guess that shit never happened, and he spent so much time talking about how he didn't give a shit about West, it kind of makes you wonder if he secretly had a crush on him, not unlike when you're six years old and you make fun of a girl that you like.

Anyway, as many sites like Nah Right and Ill Doctrine have pointed out, the real winner here is the Universal Media Group, who still ate at your pockets for about $20,400,000 [1]. So bravo, you idiots. Here's to two more years of labels pricing CDs at ridiculously high price points and releasing more shitty rappers!

[1] This was figure was reached by adding the combined sales of "Curtis" and "Graduation" and multiplying them by $12, which is the median sale price at major retailers. UMG probably stands to make way more from this.

worst. remix. ever.

Fall Out Boy
"This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race (Kanye West Remix)"
(Island Def Jam)

This lazy, hastily put together remix courtesy of Diamond D-biter/overexposed demigod, Kanye West, is about the worst song I've heard in the last month. It actually might be the worst song of the year. Not that I thought too much of the song to begin with, but the verse that 'Ye drops is as confusing as his style of dress. Sample lyric: "The arm race made them raise their arm straight to the top/Who knew?/Right now they got the number one spot/Do you want that?/Me too.../They figure 'Ye dress tight, so we gon' dress tighter/He dress white, so we gon' dress whiter."

Huh? What? Actually that last part is pretty funny because he over emphasizes "whiter."

The drums seem like they were taken from one of those old "Drum Crazy" loop records that Tower used to sell for like $6. The pianos are buried so far beneath the mix and the vocal sample that you can't really tell they're there. Because of this travesty of a song and remix, both Fall Out Boy and Kanye should be banned from recording for at least two years. Believe that.