2008 Rewind: Music Sucked; if it were a Child, it Should Be Put into Time-Out

It’s been a minute since I did these of the year recaps, but it allows me to take a breath and look at everything that was wrong with the calendar year so we can avoid it at a later date, so let’s get to it.

Gym Class Heroes put out another record that I would typically lampoon, except for the fact that compared to other rappers, Travis McCoy doesn’t actually sound that bad. Here is a list of “rappers” that are worse than McCoy:

Lil’ Wayne
T-Pain
Asher Roth
Kanye West
The Cool Kids
Etc.

For every Wale, Ludacris or Jake One record that came out, there were about five mixtapes that sucked terribly and have no reason to be associated with hip-hop in anyway. I actually thought that 2008 would have a sense of promise as Blu and Exile release a very sick record, as did Little Brother. But instead, it’s just another year of mostly shitty albums and some good ones sprinkled in between.

It wasn’t just hip-hop that sucked this year, though. Rock music took a very giant hit to the face as musical abortions, Brokencyde, Millionaires and Cash Cash continue a reign of terror that will ensure a new generation of fresh-faced teens to turn into 20-something douchebags whose sole goal is to stay stagnant in a suburban nirvana of extending their collective childhood.

Brokencyde, for those of you who aren’t in the know, is a crunk/screamo band. Yes, finally!!! Someone has taken the two worst musical offshoots in the last six years and combined them so we can only have one band to hate! Thumbs up…no wait, thumbs way down. Brokencyde – with their neon colored shirts and stupid haircuts – remind me of the kind of dudes who own like three rap records, but who are generally afraid of Black people. I’d be willing to bet that the reason they got on this gimmick is because they couldn’t find a drummer.

Millionaires is basically a rip off of Fannypack, with some really young looking girls fronting the group wearing what you would expect from an American Apparel ad. I believe there are two reasons why this group is popular: one, they’re “hot” (by generic scene standards, I guess); two, nobody remembers Fannypack.

Cash Cash isn’t worth any mention beyond my feelings that they’re really, really awful.

All that being said, I’m holding out hope for 2009. One of the most underrated emcees of all time, Freeway, has been throwing out some serious jams lately, as has Big Pooh from Little Brother.

The hardcore band, Horizon, put out a pretty awesome demo and Boston’s A Loss for Words has something bubbling for the new year. All in all, 2009 could possibly erase all the crap we’ve had to put up with, or just turn into another year of stupid music.

hayley williams = worst. role model. EVAR.

[bad hair, bad skin, bad look. why do eems want to make out with her?]

Paramore's lone visibly interesting (i.e. the non-ugly guy) member Hayley Williams is probably one of the worst female role models ever. Now before you go off on some "Oh you wacky Asian, you don't know what you're talking about..." type shit, let's examine the facts:

1. I was raised by a single mom for pretty much my entire adolescent life.

2. I have a daughter.

3. Being raised by a single parent in the Asian-American community (with its ultra-conservative values, especially in the 1980s) pretty much trumps whatever type of suburban, faux riot grrrl bullshit you can throw my way (and I don't mean you, Kathleen Hanna).

That said, Williams' recent interview with Rolling Stone shows that not only is she an unfit role model for young girls everywhere, but that she's kinda dumb. Don't believe me? Here are some of homegirl's quotes:

"I don't know too much about guns. I want to get a little revolver, and the guys have shotguns, but all I know is that it's fun to be a little hillbilly sometimes. I mean, you grow up in the country and everyone's got a gun."

Awesome, just awesome. Hey, I don't have problem with people owning guns (unless they have children around them, which always ends badly) but owning a gun for the sake of owning a gun (and making it seem like you're less American if you don't) seems a little stupid. This is a pretty bad look considering all the public shootings (i.e. Virginia Tech, the high school in Illinois, the Tacoma Mall hostage situation, etc.) that have been going on.

"I'm not really into female vocalists, at least not in our world right now. I don't think I would ever listen to our band, honestly. I love our music."

So she hates female singers, but not in "our world." Earth? So you hate all girl singers? Clarity, Hayley, clarity! I'm assuming she means in the pop-punk-emo-Warped Tour genre. In that case, I can think of a slew of other bands that are much better: Dance Hall Crashers, Meg & Dia, The Rentals (which is technically fronted by Matt Sharp, but the Hayden sisters do play a pretty big part), The Catch, Schoolyard Heroes, Ginger Sling, The Gossip, Tegan & Sara, Walls of Jericho, Spark is a Diamond, Eisley...do I need to go on?

"The first real show that I think I ever went to was Copeland...."

Okay, that is just fucking sad.

As you can see from these choice quotes alone, Williams isn't really the best ambassador and while she does represent a minority in an insanely popular genre, she's not really offering up anything other than a false sense of empowerment. Even the video for the whore-warning anthem, "Misery Business," still shows Williams glamed up to take down the school's resident beyotch. Williams only spits the kind of waned, generic "you-go-girl" rhetoric that Gwen Stefani tacked on during the end days of No Doubt.

There have been plenty of stories that relayed young girls who are into the pop-punk scene who look at Williams as something of a demigod, yet they also buy the same records that (inadvertently) slam women. And at the end of the day, Paramore's hit sophomore release, "Riot," isn't that different from the likes Dashboard Confessional or Fall Out Boy, which -- at the most minimalist level -- can be considered misogynist.

But, kids are still going to buy their shirts and support this band that have absolutely nothing to offer in both music and message. The only solace I have is that they really won't mean anything to anybody in a few years.

[Recommended Reading:]
Jessica Hopper: Emo: Where the Girls Aren't

[Bonus Videos]:

Dance Hall Crashers, "Mr. Blue"


Bikini Kill, "Don't Need You" (Live)


Walls of Jericho, "There's No I in Fuck You"

Nothin' Goin' On

I hope you've all had a productive holiday or what have you.

I haven't been writing that much because a) writing is what I do for a living and sometimes I feel like watching "Ocean's 13" and "The Hills" and b) there hasn't been anything interesting in the large scope of the pop culture spectrum.

I guess there was that whole dust up with Jamie-Lynn Spears being a pregnant, unwed teenager and all, but is anyone really surprised? Not that I know the chick personally, but I've been around enough teens (and having been one myself in the last decade) to know that high schoolers bump uglies often enough for stuff like this to go down. Just because you're on TV doesn't make you exempt from making certain choices in life. Go ask one of the Coreys or Jaleel White.

What's most disappointing -- from my career perspective -- is that the Spears story got more news coverage than the Iowa hubub with the presidential hopefuls. How sad is our country that we'd pay more attention to a C-List celebrity than to the people who could potentially run this nation?

4th of july = transformers, bitches

["yo, where my killa tape?"]

So later tonight, theaters all over the United States will be premiering the live action version of "Transformers." All I have to say is "FINALLY!!!" The teaser trailer has been floating around for over 12 months and we are now able to see the finished product. Many hardcore fans are complaining about it since Michael Bay is at the helm, but seriously, who else are you going to go to for big ass explosions and shit? Not Paul Thomas Anderson, that's for sure. My only beef is that they didn't include Soundwave or Grimlock, but that's what sequels are for. Just ask Sam Raimi.

Anyway, with all this hoopla over the movie, I'm gonna go out and get myself a sweet Transformers tattoo, which is infinitely better than a lame ass Zune tattoo.