FBR Signs Paramore Rip Off Band! Paramore Busy Counting $$$ to Care

Isn't a little early for Paramore to have their own tribute band? Not for Floridians VersaEmerge, whose Microsoft-sounding name has earned them the honor of being signed to Paramore's label, Fueled by Ramen, who've been making money hand-over-fist by releasing audio abortions by the likes of equally poorly named bands like Cute is What We Aim For and Panic at the Disco.

I guess if I was in a band with Nicole Richie's little sister, I'd be pretty stoked too. But this kind of reminds me of when Drive Thru was the shit and then all their good bands either jumped ship or broke up and all they had left in the end was HelloGoodbye and that kid from the Early November.

Since Vinnie F. exited FBR, the quality of their bands have just taken the biggest nose dive since Amy Winehouse had a mirror and nose candy in front of her.

As a little pop-punk kid myself, I've always liked the releases on Fueled by Ramen like Jimmy Eat World's "EP," Home Grown's "EP Phone Home," Kane Hodder's re-release of their LP and The AKA's "White Doves and Smoking Guns." But this VersaEmerge shit? You guys can keep that one.

I guess with the rest of the record industry declining because they can't stop signing and promoting shitty bands and "artists" (yeah, 30h3 -- or whatever the fuck your name is -- I'm looking at you), FBR's best bet is to strike the Paramore iron while Hayley Williams' hair is still on fire, I mean, hot.

I've never been the biggest Paramore fan (or a fan at all) but even I think it's pretty tacky that FBR sign a band that sounds EXACTLY like their best selling band while they're still associated with the label (unlike Drive Thru who signed a billion screamo bands in the wake of Finch getting upstreamed to Geffen). And this is the only time that I'll ever admit this but...

Hayley > Nicole Richie's little sister from VistaStupidName

I guess Vinnie had the right idea by taking all his good bands and helping them find labels elsewhere and his new label, Paper & Plastik, an imprint that focuses on vinyl and digital relases, seems to follow where it's actually viable for record companies to stay afloat. I suppose in a few months FBR and their wranglers will actually be fueled by ramen. Or Cup O Noodles.

Review: Kanye West, "808s and Heartbreak"

Taking a page from Roger Troutman (R.I.P.), Teddy Riley and Snoop, Kanye "Ye" West's newest album, "808s and Heartbreak" recalls the pinnacle of 80s and 90s R&B, utilizing the titular 808 drum sounds that was perfected by the likes of Riley, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis and Al B. Sure. That being said, this is probably the worst Kanye West record of all time.

I'm not sure how he went from being an underground sensation, producing for the likes of the Molemen to putting out a shit taco of an album. Now to be fair, the songs aren't terrible, but I think they would be better suited for dudes like Ne-Yo or Chris Brown, you know, guys who can actually sing.

West's voice is masked by autotune and a fucking vocoder so much that he totally sounds like a robot. I asked for an album, not "Wall-E," dude. Given the nature of the album and West's tepid attempt to be a hip-hop/R&B star (like R. Kelly), this album pretty much sucks. I don't give a shit what Pitchfork, EW or Newsweek or whoever says. From a hip-hop fan's perspective, this is on some "Blood Money" level of terrible. A turd with a bow tied around it is still a turd, guys.

ruining my favorite comics

last week, james and i saw "forgetting sarah marshall" and the trailer for "wanted" played before the flick. ugh.

for those of you who aren't total nerds, "wanted" was this sweet comic by mark millar that was about a secret league of assassins; this movie makes said group look like a bunch of pussies with morgan freeman as (probably) the only redeeming quality of the flick. angelina jolie's in it but she tends to ruin movies for me (except for "hackers").

a few years ago, mark millar expressed interest in getting eminem to play the lead guy, which would've been much better since homedude looks like marshall mathers in the comic.

anyway, this trailer did not look appealing at all. what a crock of shit.

kenny: welcome to the unemployment line

On every 13 year old's favorite website, one of my least favorite bands, The Starting Line, announced that they were -- in effect -- taking a break.

How many people cared (if it were 2001): 12,000,000,000,000,000,000,001

How many people cared yesterday: 2

The fiasco surrounding this shitty band's break-up was cooler than the actual announcement...and the band, as they did this via a "virtual press conference" (i.e. chat room).

Lesson learned: The Starting Line is calling it quits seven years too late.

Fucka Blake Lewis

I've been on the Blake Lewis hate train for quite some time, earlier today Idolator posted the video for the intelligently titled, "Break Anotha." Now I can throw in my two cents.

Dude, this shit sucks.

I'm not sure what's worse: the lava lamp effect, the fact that the video looks like it could've been made by EMF or Jesus Jones, or that the song itself sucks balls. Either way, it's the video and song plays out like a lesser version of that Eamon song that came out a while ago, except watching Eamon go buckwild at a pizza parlor is a lot funnier than the end fight at a Johnny Rockets.

make up to break up: the aftermath of 'ye vs. fiddy

It's done, put a fork in the steak because the beef is over. If you haven't heard it anywhere else (which is damn near impossible and also it's sad what passes off for "news" in the U.S.) but Kanye slapped the taste out of 50 Cent's mush mouth, nearing a million units in sales for "Graduation's" debut week. Not to say that "Curtis" didn't fare well, because Chef Boyarfiddy was able to move 700,000 units which is no walk in the park either.

The whole beef/marketing ploy was pretty stupid anyway. I've never supported either one of these dirtbags, but deep inside, I was rooting for Fiddy. Why?

Well here's the thing: while Kanye is good at what he does (being an artsy fartsy rapper, stealing Dilla's production steez, dressing well), he appeals to a pretty safe audience. He makes ears perk by collaborating with artists as diverse as Common, Mos Def, Daft Punk, Peter, Bjorn & John, John Mayer, etc. But at the same time, it also seems like he tries too hard to appeal to everyone. The thing that I liked about his old mixtapes and records (other than raping the fuck out of the Molemen's beatmaking style) was that while they were still considered niche (for backpacking hip-hop fans), they were still gully enough for thugged out dudes, too. These days, it seems as though Kanye is shilling for that Pitchfork money; mostly because people who religiously read Pitchfork will make the effort to go to an actual store and buy a fucking CD.

I've never really cared much for Fiddy but after destroying Cam'ron's career with "Funeral Music," I just really rooted for him to make a diss track of equal caliber for 'Ye. I guess that shit never happened, and he spent so much time talking about how he didn't give a shit about West, it kind of makes you wonder if he secretly had a crush on him, not unlike when you're six years old and you make fun of a girl that you like.

Anyway, as many sites like Nah Right and Ill Doctrine have pointed out, the real winner here is the Universal Media Group, who still ate at your pockets for about $20,400,000 [1]. So bravo, you idiots. Here's to two more years of labels pricing CDs at ridiculously high price points and releasing more shitty rappers!

[1] This was figure was reached by adding the combined sales of "Curtis" and "Graduation" and multiplying them by $12, which is the median sale price at major retailers. UMG probably stands to make way more from this.

the problem with genre webzines

Earlier this evening I was cruising through the Interweb Superhighway and this post caught my eye. After I read the motherfucker, I've come to realize that it's self-important crap like that post that ruins music writing for every other person who can actually piece together a proper sentence.

Even though I'm an active participant in Internet writing, it's no secret that easy access to sites like Livejournal, Blogger, Myspace, etc. are single-handedly killing the idea of proper journalism. Any fucking kid with an Internet connection, an e-mail account and a computer can post on these sites and cultivate some ridiculous identity, albeit from behind a glass screen.

I'm starting to see that these kids who continue to post on sites like AP.net feel like they're deserving of a certain amount of respect, even though they're essentially the pop-punk versions of "Current Affair" or "Inside Edition." There's seldom raw talent to find in the musings of these children; only post after post of fucking hogwash.

Many people think that I'm being harsh, but having contributed to a genre magazine that remains nameless (Skratch, ahem), then I feel like I've earned the right to shit talk some poser kid who feels like they're the king/queen of the scene because they discovered Death Cab last year or started wearing Peta2 shirts that they bought at a Strike Anywhere show.

I'm pretty disgusted with the way that these kids feel like they're entitled to some sort of notoriety because they write random crap about some band that people will forget about in six months. I should know, I've been one of these kids.

Here's the difference, though. I went through this bout of self-importance really early on in my writing career. By the time I was 18, I was so jaded by the assholes in bands I had to interview, I didn't really give a shit about the article -- I just liked seeing my name on the byline. I think it's relatively sad when some dude in their 20's is convinced so much that their little website has changed the world to the point where they are deserving of free shows, free CDs and getting mentioned in shitty magazines. My friend Sarah once said the only thing you deserve in life is death, and I'm apt to believe her statement.

It's not like it matters though. Most of these kids won't ever understand the rush and excitementto see your name in print media. Once the Internet collapses on itself, they'll have no proof that they wrote shit.

What does this have to do with my usual rants about shitty bands? Well nothing and everything. I make no bones about what I do via this forum. I write about bands that I like or dislike, songs that I think are fire and I occasionally post a video on here. Earlier this week, I was asked to contribute to a publication that has very little to do with art or music and it was the first piece that I've written in years that had nothing to do with a band or a movie. And I liked it.

I don't ever think that there will be a time in my life when I don't want to discuss music or pop culture, but writing something completely different than what I'm used to made me realize that I am not a one-trick pony and that these kids can have their free shows and shit. I'll have piece of mind.

bummed

It's been a little while since I wrote something not related to music in some shape or form, but if there's a news item that makes my blood boil, then I have to go off in a semi-coherent rant about it.

Unless you've been stuck in a cave with Mary-Anne and the Professor not getting off the island, then you know that America's Sweetheart, Paris Hilton, was sentenced to prison and got out a few days afterwards citing some bullshit reasoning of a mental breakdown or some such.

What the fuuuu?

First off, the chick got put in the pokey for a DUI. Now while I don't put any stock in the capital punishment, that's one hell of a serious offense. Playing God and shouldering the fate of other peoples' lives in your impaired hands because you felt the need to get fucked up is bullshit. I have no sympathy for drunk drivers who've died in car accidents -- the victims I feel for because obviously you have no control whether a stranger decides to get bent before climbing into their vehicle. But that person who has been drinking has several choices including (but not limited to), calling a cab, staying at the bar/party until they sober up, calling a friend or NOT DRINKING. Damn.

I think the thing that irritates me most about this particular "news" item is that it shows Americans that if you're rich and white (but mostly rich) that you can pretty much get away with anything. I'm not sure how Hilton's jail term would've panned out had she ran over a person or two, but I'm certain that the most she would receive is vehicular manslaughter.

As if this country isn't a big enough joke, we let some spoiled ass kid off the hook for some BS reason. If it were me or any other non-wealthy person, we would've been raped by now. I've seen "American Me." Prison is no fucking Carrot Top routine.

The lesson learned here: if you're poor, the justice system works against you; if you have money, then your prison sentence is basically being grounded with some shitty bracelet around your ankle. (Personally, I blame MTV's "Super Sweet Sixteen" and "Laguna Beach," but I digress)

For shame, American justice system, for shame.