FBR Signs Paramore Rip Off Band! Paramore Busy Counting $$$ to Care

Isn't a little early for Paramore to have their own tribute band? Not for Floridians VersaEmerge, whose Microsoft-sounding name has earned them the honor of being signed to Paramore's label, Fueled by Ramen, who've been making money hand-over-fist by releasing audio abortions by the likes of equally poorly named bands like Cute is What We Aim For and Panic at the Disco.

I guess if I was in a band with Nicole Richie's little sister, I'd be pretty stoked too. But this kind of reminds me of when Drive Thru was the shit and then all their good bands either jumped ship or broke up and all they had left in the end was HelloGoodbye and that kid from the Early November.

Since Vinnie F. exited FBR, the quality of their bands have just taken the biggest nose dive since Amy Winehouse had a mirror and nose candy in front of her.

As a little pop-punk kid myself, I've always liked the releases on Fueled by Ramen like Jimmy Eat World's "EP," Home Grown's "EP Phone Home," Kane Hodder's re-release of their LP and The AKA's "White Doves and Smoking Guns." But this VersaEmerge shit? You guys can keep that one.

I guess with the rest of the record industry declining because they can't stop signing and promoting shitty bands and "artists" (yeah, 30h3 -- or whatever the fuck your name is -- I'm looking at you), FBR's best bet is to strike the Paramore iron while Hayley Williams' hair is still on fire, I mean, hot.

I've never been the biggest Paramore fan (or a fan at all) but even I think it's pretty tacky that FBR sign a band that sounds EXACTLY like their best selling band while they're still associated with the label (unlike Drive Thru who signed a billion screamo bands in the wake of Finch getting upstreamed to Geffen). And this is the only time that I'll ever admit this but...

Hayley > Nicole Richie's little sister from VistaStupidName

I guess Vinnie had the right idea by taking all his good bands and helping them find labels elsewhere and his new label, Paper & Plastik, an imprint that focuses on vinyl and digital relases, seems to follow where it's actually viable for record companies to stay afloat. I suppose in a few months FBR and their wranglers will actually be fueled by ramen. Or Cup O Noodles.

MAJOR ANNOUCEMENT!!!! [APRIL FOOLZ]

Chasing Coolness @ BAMBOOZLE LEFT? WHAT?

That's right childrens, Chasing Coolness a.k.a. Ryan P. is skraight hittin' the best state in the Union to interview a billion awesome bands for this year's Bamboozle. For real. I'm doing the official blogging for the Bamboozle fansite, Boozle'd, and I'm doing real-time coverage of a plethora of sweet bands like Dance Gavin Dance, NFG, Paramore (Hayley what up?), The Starting Line, From First to Last and Metro Station.

I am totes stoked for this!!!!!! California peeps, I hope you have a place for me to crash!!! You herbs wanna go out and get In-N-Out with me? Sweetness!!!!!

Let's hook it up!!!!!

Bomb the comments and let me know where the parties are at. I'm going to be rolling with a camera crew and a microphone, getting in ya faces. On the real, all you crabs know the deal!

[EDIT]
I apologize to all my friends who fell for this and for my non-friends who accused me of being a hypocrite, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You fell for that jawn hook, line and stinker. Anyway, I won't be at Bamboozle Left, but my friends Ilene and Mike who spearhead both High Voltage Media and The Meltdown have a booth there, so if you are attending, support their booth. They have some awesome action figures and other nerd shit that their showcasing.

Also, my review of the Bamboozle Road Show is up on Redefine. Bee'lee dat.

hayley williams = worst. role model. EVAR.

[bad hair, bad skin, bad look. why do eems want to make out with her?]

Paramore's lone visibly interesting (i.e. the non-ugly guy) member Hayley Williams is probably one of the worst female role models ever. Now before you go off on some "Oh you wacky Asian, you don't know what you're talking about..." type shit, let's examine the facts:

1. I was raised by a single mom for pretty much my entire adolescent life.

2. I have a daughter.

3. Being raised by a single parent in the Asian-American community (with its ultra-conservative values, especially in the 1980s) pretty much trumps whatever type of suburban, faux riot grrrl bullshit you can throw my way (and I don't mean you, Kathleen Hanna).

That said, Williams' recent interview with Rolling Stone shows that not only is she an unfit role model for young girls everywhere, but that she's kinda dumb. Don't believe me? Here are some of homegirl's quotes:

"I don't know too much about guns. I want to get a little revolver, and the guys have shotguns, but all I know is that it's fun to be a little hillbilly sometimes. I mean, you grow up in the country and everyone's got a gun."

Awesome, just awesome. Hey, I don't have problem with people owning guns (unless they have children around them, which always ends badly) but owning a gun for the sake of owning a gun (and making it seem like you're less American if you don't) seems a little stupid. This is a pretty bad look considering all the public shootings (i.e. Virginia Tech, the high school in Illinois, the Tacoma Mall hostage situation, etc.) that have been going on.

"I'm not really into female vocalists, at least not in our world right now. I don't think I would ever listen to our band, honestly. I love our music."

So she hates female singers, but not in "our world." Earth? So you hate all girl singers? Clarity, Hayley, clarity! I'm assuming she means in the pop-punk-emo-Warped Tour genre. In that case, I can think of a slew of other bands that are much better: Dance Hall Crashers, Meg & Dia, The Rentals (which is technically fronted by Matt Sharp, but the Hayden sisters do play a pretty big part), The Catch, Schoolyard Heroes, Ginger Sling, The Gossip, Tegan & Sara, Walls of Jericho, Spark is a Diamond, Eisley...do I need to go on?

"The first real show that I think I ever went to was Copeland...."

Okay, that is just fucking sad.

As you can see from these choice quotes alone, Williams isn't really the best ambassador and while she does represent a minority in an insanely popular genre, she's not really offering up anything other than a false sense of empowerment. Even the video for the whore-warning anthem, "Misery Business," still shows Williams glamed up to take down the school's resident beyotch. Williams only spits the kind of waned, generic "you-go-girl" rhetoric that Gwen Stefani tacked on during the end days of No Doubt.

There have been plenty of stories that relayed young girls who are into the pop-punk scene who look at Williams as something of a demigod, yet they also buy the same records that (inadvertently) slam women. And at the end of the day, Paramore's hit sophomore release, "Riot," isn't that different from the likes Dashboard Confessional or Fall Out Boy, which -- at the most minimalist level -- can be considered misogynist.

But, kids are still going to buy their shirts and support this band that have absolutely nothing to offer in both music and message. The only solace I have is that they really won't mean anything to anybody in a few years.

[Recommended Reading:]
Jessica Hopper: Emo: Where the Girls Aren't

[Bonus Videos]:

Dance Hall Crashers, "Mr. Blue"


Bikini Kill, "Don't Need You" (Live)


Walls of Jericho, "There's No I in Fuck You"

head shakin', body rockin'

I was trolling through AP for whatever reason (boredom/tired of the MTV's "Top Model" marathon, etc.) and in the comments for the Hayley Williams/NFG duet post for "It Ain't Me, Babe," some kid compares the young Williams to June Carter Cash.

Um... WTF?

I could go on some long rant about how clearly misinformed the kids who post on this site are, but it never doesn't any good. And I'll probably rile up Anton "King of the Internets" Djamoos again and then it'll be this whole non-friendly back and forth on my comments section and I'll only end up laughing hysterically, not unlike last time.

So in lieu of entertaining misinformed (and possibly insane) Paramore fans, I'm taking the easy way out and posting a clip of one of my favorite hip-hop songs from the 90's.



Not that pop-punk kids would care about hip-hop that doesn't somehow involve Dangermouse, Atmosphere or Gym Class Heroes (and to a lesser extent, MC Lars), but whatever. They're probably scared of Black people, too.

a new generation of bands synomymous with $$$$

As Punknews.org and Idolator reported earlier today, my favorite band in the known world, Paramore (no Cam'ron peeing on the dude in the beginning of "Killa Season"), signed to Atlantic [1] and as a part of their contract, agreed to some arcane deal that allows the label to have their hands deeper into the band's pockets, as well as their touring profits and schedules, in exchange for a substantial cash offering (otherwise called a 360).

This all seems like a bad idea since labels are subsequently dumping large amounts of cash into a band and (probably) expecting to recoup their money as quickly as possible since the current model with major labels is turn a profit rather than turn out an artist. The good news is that if you like a band like Paramore, then you'll be hit with all kinds of aggressive marketing [2] to the point where you'll no doubt hear Haley Williams shrieking at your local Safeway, Lucky's, Albertson's or Kroger. Of course, one could assume that this plan will backfire because the record industry is known to shoot itself in the foot often.

The ironic thing about this whole ploy is that it reminds me of this gold plaque that used to hang in the bathroom at Tower Records that had pictures of EPMD, Cypress Hill, Redman and Pearl Jam which congratulated Tower in helping push the longevity of new artists. Oh far the industry has come indeed. Why savor your steak when you can eat an Arby's beef and cheddar sandwich now? [3]

Related Links:
The New Deal: Band as Brand by Jeff Leads (NY Times)

[1]: Why are bands still signing to the Warner Music Group? There's only one successful band on their roster (Death Cab), the rest seem to be disenchanted like The Format, who were dropped after one record.

[2]: See the original example of this model: Fall Out Boy

[3]: Yes, I did draw some long reaching analogy comparing Paramore to rubber tasting, cheesy ass sandwich. Like Arby's food, Paramore isn't very good for your digestive tract.

big things poppin'

i'm contributing to another publication, so research and phone calls have taken up much of my primo blogging time. however, i did have enough time and spunk to do this:

why hasn't anybody else called out the obvious? (she also looks like aaron from underoath too)

paramore sucks.